I can only

So tonight I was sitting on my balcony writing a song. Every time I write a song I like to sit and do whatever it takes to relax and finish the song it one sitting. Tonight was no different. I decided to go to my balcony because the cold brisk air makes feel more artistic. It may or may not help, but I like to think it does.

There are some girls who live in the building across from me. I believe they are dancers because once or twice a week they play music pretty loud and practice what seem to be well choreographed dances to popular songs. They laugh and have fun when they dance and with the music it always catches my attention. It kind of cool to watch because they always seem so into it and they have a good time. And tonight just happened to be one of those nights where they were rehearsing.

I know nothing about those girls other than that. So tonight as I am sitting on my balcony, in my own little world trying to focus on this new song (which I am convinced like always it will be "the one"), I hear a familiar tune. To anyone who has grown up in a church since 2001, they would recognize this song right away. And so did I. It was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe (or by your churches worship team who never does as well as the group themselves). For those of you that aren't avid church goers, it is the biggest worship song in every Christian church across America(and most parts of the world). This song is "the shizz".

At first, old memories poured in my head about "the glory days" of my high school worship team. Our failed attempts time after time of trying to reproduce this beautiful song. It was great to reminisce on the person I used to be.

Then cames thoughts of the present. Thoughts about how I haven't regularly attend a church in a year. Thoughts of how my friends from "the glory days" are doing the same things. And thoughts on why we are like this. It is a depressing concept. Growing up in church they always tell you that 90% of kids that graduate high school stop attending church.

Thoughts that I immediately became a statistic flooded my mind. It hit me like a Muhammad Ali in the biggest fight of his life. I was immediately dazed and confused. How could this be? How could the leader of a bible study, worship team, and other church activities become a statistic? It seems simple enough that one with that background would immediately find a new church, a new bible study, a new (fill in the blank here).

But behold, it's not that simple. Growing up for me was a traditional church family experience as far as finding a church. Your parents attend a few churches and find one that they like. Then you are forced to go until you reach adulthood. When you are at that point, not one church seems good enough, so you stop trying to find one. Then you try to read your bible without the help of a bible study guiding you, but you become so lost that you get fed up. Not with God, but with the cycle you found yourself in. You pray to God "Won't you eventually show me they way". You know he will. But when you are living in a society that lives in the here and now, you get easily discouraged.

But as soon as those thoughts came in, thoughts of the future took their place. Thoughts of God forgiving me and telling me that it's okay. I imagine him saying something like "Sure you didn't do the best that you could, but I forgives you regardless". He lets me know that even though I've sinned, I will live for eternity. I know this is true. And it is what I am holding on to. I am holding on to hope, because that seems to be all I have at this moment.

It's funny that these girls who I know pretty much nothing about had such an impact on my night. But God works in comedic ways sometimes.

"Oh God, you're so funny. Always a joker. But it always seems to work out with you"(that was a little inner dialog to end the blog).